Sex can be complicated for a lot of reasons, including logistics. Even if you’re at a place in a relationship where you’ve decided you want to do something sexual, it can be super frustrating to realize you don’t actually have a good place to do it. Finding privacy can be hard for people who live with family or roommates, don’t have permanent housing, or a number of other situations. That said, there are a lot of ways to navigate these situations and find ways to have sex that work for you. Not all of the options are open to everyone, but below are some common choices that you may want to consider if you’re in this predicament.
For starters, what are the consequences if you get caught having sex? Will you get in trouble, or will it just be kind of awkward with your parents around the dinner table? Or would they be cool with it if you just tell them what’s happening? If it’s just going to be awkward (or maybe if your roommates are just going to tease you), maybe it’s worth the risk?
If your bedroom works for you, great. If not, maybe the basement is far enough from other people that they won’t notice? Or a shed outside? Sometimes the bathroom is a good option, since turning on the shower can cover up any suspicious sounds or noises (also, easier clean up).
Wait until you can be alone in the space. This may be when housemates are away on a trip, or if they are at work, or siblings are at school, etc. The house may not always be empty when you’re at your horniest, but planning for and taking advantage of those times might be sexier than getting caught!
| ****Cool Tip**** |
| Take advantage of your school schedule: if you and your partner(s) have late starts, early dismissals, PA days, or spare periods, that can be a good time to find an empty house. You know those days ahead of time, and so you can plan as far ahead as you want! |
If your house isn’t empty that much, what about other people’s houses? Or maybe you can find a private room at someone’s place the next time you’re at a party? When using someone else’s house to hook up, it is important to be considerate of the person whose house it is. Try to make sure they’d be okay with it and try not to make a mess (or clean up after yourselves/offer to wash the sheets).
Some people will go camping, book a hotel, or get an Airbnb for one or more nights. Unfortunately, this option only works if you’re able to afford it (time off work, money for hotels, etc). But a romantic night at a hotel can be a fun staycation to save up for!
Sex outside doesn’t rely on money, special opportunity or parental permission. Parks, the beach, etc., – the world is really quite a big place! It’s important to note that while having sex outside isn’t strictly illegal, if you’re seen by others, then it can count as public indecency and there may be a fine or punishment. If this is an option for you, consider carrying safer sex tools (condoms, lube, etc.) in your backpack or purse so that you’re ready when the mood strikes you.
Can you maybe borrow a car for the night? Maybe instead of driving to the movies, you drive someplace else to hookup? They’re not the most spacious locations for sex, but there can be some fun in the challenge. And, if you have access to a car with a big back (like a van or pickup truck), it can be made into a comfy/cozy/romantic area by adding some blankets and pillows.
| ****Cool Tip**** |
| Cars are the popular example of vehicles to have sex in, but you can really use whatever you have access to. You can use a boat, an RV, a wagon, etc. There are lots of options for mobile spaces you can use for hooking up. |
Being stealthy about sex can be tricky if you are noisy people, use lots of toys, or throw your clothes all around the room. But maybe there are other sex things you can do together? Oral sex and fingering or handjobs are usually more discrete, or you can experiment with only getting partly undressed, or having slower or quieter sex that doesn’t shake the bed. There are options!
If none of the above ideas sound good and/or feasible to you and no other options work either, it’s fine to just put it off. Sure sex can be fun, but you know best what your living situation is like and whether it’s worth putting in this much effort or being stressed while doing it. It’s likely you will eventually have privacy, and if you’re okay with waiting, that’s totally fine. Lots of people wait until they don’t live at home anymore to start having sex.
… and this is all assuming you can’t just talk to your parents about it. Maybe they’ll be cool with you letting people stay over. Or, maybe they’ll even be cool enough to leave the house so you can have alone time? (Not that many parents are *that* cool, but who knows.)
If you do decide to go ahead and have sex at home (when you don’t live alone), here are some tips to think about to make sure you’re being mindful and considerate of the people you share the house with:
Is it better to do it in the middle of the night when everyone is for sure asleep? Early in the morning before everyone gets up? Etc.
Is there ever an event going on in the house that will distract everyone and allow you some stealth alone time? Think: a party or get together (where you won’t be missed), a movie/ TV show
At a time when you are able, try and make sex noises from your room (moan, shake or bounce on the bed) and ask someone to tell you what you can hear from other parts of the house. This way you can know when to be quieter if people are in the house.
If there are people in your house that would notice you have stains on your bed or the couch or the floor or wherever, clean up after yourself! Maybe consider opening a window to air out your sex smells.
If you have questions about this topic, feel free to contact one of our peer educators. [Link]
Last Updated: August 2021
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