What does trauma do, and what can I do about it?

Content warning: This article will discuss trauma, sexual assault, depression, anxiety, and dissociative disorders. If you’re finding it difficult to read, take a break and come back to it when you feel ready.

What does trauma do to a person?

In our first info page on trauma, we talked about what it is and what it can look like, but it can also be helpful to understand what the specific effects of trauma are on sexual relationships. Trauma usually results in a lasting emotional response that makes it more difficult for you to deal with the various stressors you might experience throughout life. Things that may not feel particularly stressful to most people, or even to you prior to the trauma you experienced, may feel a lot more difficult to deal with now.  In sexual relationships, this could  mean that physical intimacy becomes stressful, and that can show up in a bunch of different ways. Maybe you feel confined, on high-alert, or “on edge” all the time and can’t quite figure out how to move past it. Having a better understanding of what trauma is and how it can affect you can better equip you to work through the challenges it might bring.  One thing that’s very important to remember, (and that sometimes trauma might try to convince us isn’t true), is  that challenges faced as a result of trauma are not a reflection of your worth or identity. It might have an affect on the kind of person you are, and change how you navigate the world like most experiences do, but you are so much more than your individual experiences!

So what does it do exactly? Studies reveal that trauma actually shows up in more than just your psychological well-being, it can be a very physical thing too. If you have previous exposure to physical trauma, particularly sexual violence, it’s not uncommon to experience feelings of fear, anxiety, stress, and nervousness, in your body which can make certain physical experiences like sex a lot more difficult.

This article will talk about how trauma can sometimes affect  your sexual health and relationships, while also getting into  some coping strategies that may be helpful for navigating physical intimacy. 

How can trauma can affect your sexual health and relationships?

Trauma’s Impact on Relationships: When people have traumatic experiences, specifically those related to romantic/sexual relationships in their lives, they may find it a lot harder to move on, start new relationships, or trust the people they become involved with post-trauma. For some, trust is a crucial part of building a sexual relationship and it can take a lot of work and communication to get to a place you feel safe and ready to be intimate in that way. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or push through feelings that might be telling you you’re not quite ready for it yet. Here are a few of some more common experiences people have after going through something traumatic, we’ll talk about how to work through these experiences in our next section: 

• Re-experiencing: Sometimes memories from traumatic experiences come back in a really intense way especially when you’re in situations similar to the kinds you were in when they happened. If what you experienced was traumatic sexually, then being physically close with someone can sometimes put you back in that space mentally. We sometimes call these flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts, and they can feel really overwhelming and uncontrollable. Even after the flashback or intrusive thoughts seem to end, your body might still hold onto that stress and keep you feeling tense or on high-alert. 
• Checking Out and Avoiding: Sometimes the feelings that follow trauma can come up in ways that feel really hard to shake. You might feel more anxiety, fear, and even shame about what happened. One way we deal with these heavier emotions is by disconnecting from our bodies. When you feel less present in your body, these emotions might feel less intense, but it can make it difficult to experience positive emotions too like attraction, arousal, infatuation, love, or closeness to other people. You might find yourself avoiding scenarios associated with past trauma, intentionally or not. 
• Stress vs. Pleasure: Trauma can actually reshape the way the brain processes good feelings like pleasure or arousal (being turned on/horny). Your body has a stress response system, sometimes called “fight or flight” which is there to keep your body safe in moments of intense physical or emotional stress. After experiencing something traumatic, this response system can become extra sensitive or much harder to turn off and it can get in the way of getting turned on or feeling relaxed in sexual situations. This might make it harder to get comfortable with your partner, or harder to experience physical pleasure from things that used to feel good and might make it harder to orgasm during sex.

Tips for navigating trauma

It’s important to remember that there’s no wrong or “invalid” way to feel about your trauma. Your feelings of helplessness, shame, stress, anxiety, dissociation and anything else you might be feeling do not change your worth or define who you are as a person; they are symptoms of something really difficult to work through that can be made easier with support and self-compassion. No matter how difficult it may seem, you’re worth the effort! And eventually, you may be able to come to terms with what happened, learn to heal, and move on with your life. 

Below are some tips that you might find useful. Remember they may not all work for you, or feel relevant to your situation and that’s okay! They’re just some observations that have been made about working through trauma that have proven helpful for some folks but your process might not feel so straightforward. It’s more about taking what works for you and leaving what doesn’t while figuring out new ways to process, grieve, move on, whatever!

Step #1: Try Communicating 

It can feel extraordinarily difficult to open up to people about your trauma–what you went through might be very personal, and how you feel about it now could too! Finding someone you trust or a mental health professional to talk through things can be a really helpful first step to feeling less isolated, alone, and helpless. Therapists and other mental health professionals especially can give you strategies and tips that make sense for you to process what you’re going through. One-on-one talk therapy doesn’t have to be your only option though; opening up can take many forms: it can be having a personal chat with your friends, attending a trauma therapy session with your therapist, joining a local/online support group, or acknowledging what has happened through journaling. The important thing is to work on letting things out instead of bottling them up.

Step #2: Cope with your feelings

Trauma is a complicated thing, sometimes we take those negative feelings and turn them inwards and begin to feel shame or blame ourselves for what happened. The feeling of your brain “freezing,” for instance, may have caused you to feel confused during the traumatic event, and might even have you questioning why you didn’t act differently. Regardless of the circumstance, you are not responsible for the traumatic events that have happened to you–people act unpredictably when unpredictable things happen to them. Coping with your feelings means recognizing those emotions as they come up, not judging yourself for having them,  giving yourself space to feel them, and finding ways to work through them. Maybe for you that’s talk therapy with a psychologist or a support group, confiding in loved ones like friends of family, maybe it’s journaling, or maybe just finding new things to occupy your mind like working on your hobbies.

Step #3: Prepare for flashbacks 

We talked about flashbacks and re-experiencing trauma above, recognizing them as a way that your body may react to trauma can help you be better prepared for when they do happen. Be mindful of triggers–things that are more likely to put you back in that headspace or cause an unusual amount of stress–and have a plan for how to self-soothe or manage your emotions when they come up. Thankfully our body often gives us a signal or warning about these before we even realize they’re happening; look out for body signals like nausea, difficulty breathing, intense headaches, lots of body tension, unexplained sweating, weakness trembling, and anything else that feels familiar of a time you experienced a lot of stress. Take the time to notice and begin to soothe yourself to avoid spiralling if you can. One strategy for soothing is the 4-7-8 breathing technique (inhale for 4 seconds, hold breathe for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds), which can help lower your heart rate and give your body a bit of a reset. We also talk about a few other strategies here.

Step #4: Regaining self-leadership 

Self-leadership refers to the state of feeling in charge of yourself. That can mean being in control of your thoughts and your emotions, or in control of the way your body responds to things that might stress you out. Sometimes experiencing trauma can rob us of our  self-leadership, and we have to work to get it back. Regaining self-leadership involves three main elements: 

1. finding a way to remain calm when facing reminders of the past: think about self-soothing exercises like controlled breathing.
2. finding a way to be fully present: trauma makes it hard to stay present in our bodies because we often get lost in thought and the intense emotions we’re experiencing, or find it easier to dissociate. Grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 method can be a helpful way to encourage us to focus on what we are experiencing in the present moment.
3. being totally transparent with yourself: telling ourselves we’re better when we might not be, or that what happened isn’t as bad as we feel it is won’t help us process what we’ve experienced. Try to be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling and what you need, and take the steps to get it.

Remember self-leadership is a practice, which means you’ll likely need to do this over and over again before you get better but it is something you will get better at!

Step #5: Self-Care

Self-leadership can sort of be thought of as the ‘crisis management’ approach, meaning the steps you take to get it back are you getting yourself to a place where the everyday self-care stuff comes easy. When you get better at managing your trauma, you can get better at managing things like your health, diet, energy, and even how you spend your time. Self-care is often talked about in ways that are used to make you buy things, but it really doesn’t have to be! It can be all the things we talked about before, like being kind and patient with yourself or communicating with people you care about, as much as it can be taking time to do something you love doing like singing or running or taking a bath. The point is to find moments in your life where you focus on your own well-being, which is something that even folks who haven’t experienced trauma struggle with! Start small and start easy. Those little things will feel like accomplishments and fuel you to try more things. Maybe start by committing to eating every day, and then work yourself up to a meal plan! If you want to start journaling, start by committing to just writing anything down; maybe answer one question a day and build up to journaling for 10 minutes. Regardless of what method(s) of self-care you choose, you’ll likely still be working on mindfulness (remember all that being present talk?), nourishing and moving your body, and building connections with people. 

Further Reading

• Teen Health Source – What is Trauma?
• Teen Health Source – Low/No Cost Mental Health Resources in Toronto
• BetterHelp Trauma Therapy 
• American Psychological Association – How to Cope with Traumatic Stress 

If you have questions about this topic, feel free to contact one of our peer educators. [Link]

Last Edited: September 2023