Consent: Communication
While people do communicate in lots of non-verbal ways (like facial expressions and body language), sexual consent is something that we have to be pretty explicit about when we ask for it and when we give it. Something we’ve talked a lot about in this course is how important communication is to good sex and communicating about consent is a huge part of that. While consent is mandatory (meaning it has to be given before any sexual activity), that doesn’t mean asking for it has to be a rigid or formal process; asking for and giving consent can be sexy, funny, or maybe a bit awkward at first. The more practice you get talking about it, the more comfortable you’ll feel working it into how you have sex. Our info page Check-In First: How to Talk About Sexual Consent talks more about this, check it out!
Remember, consent isn’t just for the physical stuff! It’s the 21st century; a lot of our communication including sexual stuff is happening digitally–whether that’s through texting, Snapchat, or some other kind of social media. Just because someone isn’t physically there doesn’t mean they’ll feel comfortable receiving sexually explicit texts, seeing unwanted nude photos, or hearing sexually explicit voice recordings, even ones that disappear right after they’re seen or heard.
We might not think that someone could be strongly affected by receiving a sexual text or having to swipe through an unsolicited nude, but we don’t know what sort of histories and traumas people may have with their boundaries being crossed, and sending that stuff without getting a clear okay can bring up a lot of painful emotions and memories.
On our Consent info page we talk a lot about different ways to ask for consent, and virtual stuff is no different. Here are some steps and suggestions for how to get the consent conversation started when things are happening through text or virtual messaging:
- Find out if the setting works for them to have a sexy conversation and give them the opportunity to tell you whether or not now is a good time.
- What’re you up to right now? I’m feeling horny.
- Hey are you alone? Wanna see a sexy pic?
- In the mood for a lil sexy chat?
- Make sure they’re not being surprised by the things you’re sending–just because someone’s into texting doesn’t mean they’ll be into seeing pics or listening to voice notes.
- Wanna see what I’m wearing (hint: it’s not much)?
- In the mood to swap nudes?
- Can I see your ____?
- Want to see my ____?
- What do you want to see?
- Want to hear what I’m doing right now?
Sometimes chats will happen on camera through apps like FaceTime or Snapchat. The same rules apply! Consenting to have a sexy chat on cam doesn’t mean they’re consenting to show or see anything they don’t want to. We have two great blog posts that go into detail about what virtual sex is, best practices for consent conversations, and information about privacy check out part one here, part two here and our post on sexting which includes info about the age of consent as it applies to virtual communication.
