Flirting Part 2: What Flirting Isn’t

By Teen Health Source

Flirting is how we communicate when we want to try to appeal to someone in a romantic or sexual way. It’s meant to signal to another person that not only have they caught our attention, but also that they might want to pay attention to us.

Just because that sounds pretty simple doesn’t mean that flirting is easy for everyone. Flirting is often not the most direct way of communicating interest, which leaves lots of room for people to second-guess how they are understanding someone else’s words or actions.

In this series we’re going over  how people might want to think about interacting with a crush. Our first post covers ways we can understand and define flirting, this post goes over what isn’t flirting, and our next post shares some ways people can try to flirt with their crushes. Let’s go!

What Flirting Isn’t

Flirting isn’t:

• A way to convince someone to like/date/hook up with you. Putting on a persona, lying to another person, or only being nice to get your way isn’t flirting. That’s called manipulation.
• A guaranteed sign that someone else wants to be with you. As we mentioned above, flirting is pretty ambiguous. You still need to talk about your feelings, your intentions, and especially about consent.
• Teasing, insulting, or putting someone down. That’s just being mean. Some people like being teased, but you have to ask them if they’re okay with it before you start.
• One-sided. Flirting is done between two interested and consenting people. If they’re not flirting back, then you’re not flirting. If it’s not clear if they’re flirting, then maybe it’s worth talking more openly about how you feel.

Being more direct about your feelings doesn’t mean being explicit or aggressive. Sending unrequested nudes or touching someone without their permission or badgering them for a date are all forms of harassment. Asking “Is it okay if I flirt with you?” might feel unnatural or dorky, but it’s definitely a more respectful way of being open about your feelings.

How someone responds to your flirting is informed by the power dynamics of the relationship. Power dynamics can look like:

• If you are older than them.
• If you have more money than them.
• If you are their supervisor at work.
• If you are sober and they’re drunk or high.
• If you’re longtime friends and they feel like they can’t say no.
• If you’re a stranger and they feel intimidated.
• If they are alone and feel vulnerable.

Gender can also be a power dynamic. Typically this is where cisgender men have an upperhand over women and trans men.

Being mindful of power differences can help inform if someone is flirting or if they’re just going along with it because they feel obligated.

And if you’re not sure that what’s happening is flirting, here are some questions to can ask yourself to see:

• Is the way I’m acting too aggressive or too over-bearing for the other person?
• Have they person already made it clear to me that they’re not interested in flirting?
• Am I just shouting at them about their appearance to get their attention?
• Are they participating in my joking, or are they just putting up with it?
• Are they making time for me, or are they trying to get out of talking?

Again, if you’re not sure about the answers to any of this, you can try asking the other person. You can also try asking friends to see if you’re coming across the way that you want to be.

Remember, flirting is a way of communicating between people who are romantically or sexually attracted to each other. The goal of the people involved is to stand out to each other, and also to demonstrate that you’ll enjoy spending more time together. On top of showing off, flirters need to show that they are able to listen to each other, be respectful of boundaries, and be aware of how they’re impacting the people around them. If you feel unsure if someone wants to flirt or what their boundaries are, it’s always a good idea to ask!

Resources

• Dealing with Rejection [Link]
• Flirting Fundamentals [Link]
• Boundary Basics [Link]
• I Think I Like You: Getting to Know Someone [Link]
• FAQ: Sorting Out Romantic vs Sexual Feelings [Link]

If you have questions about this topic, feel free to contact one of our peer educators. [Link]

Last Updated: April 2020