The article is an opinion column written by one of our peer educators. It focuses mostly on validating feelings of disappointment some people have when their first time engaging in consensual sex is awkward or not as pleasurable as hoped. Please see below for resources on making sex feel good, as well as supports around consent and pleasure, if that’s what you are looking for.
When I was younger I spent a lot of time reading Young Adult novels, and all of them had the same things in common: a corrupt or dystopian government, a heroine torn between two identical guys, and, inevitably, a sex scene. It was always a magical, first-time sex scene, where the protagonists have passionate, effortless intercourse. Those scenes existed everywhere, in novels, movies, songs, etc. As I grew up, I imagined my first time would be as fantastic as they told me it would be.
It wasn’t.
It wasn’t awful, but my partner and I agreed that it wasn’t what we had hoped. Although we loved each other deeply, and we were happy we made the decision to “go all the way”, we felt like we were missing something.
If you’re also disappointed about your first time having consensual sex, however you define it, here are five things I found reassuring.
I didn’t love my first time, you didn’t love your first time, and there are tens or hundreds of other teenagers reading this article who likely didn’t either. Not having the experience you might have been hoping for doesn’t make you weird, or different: if anything, you’re in the majority.
All of society hypes up having sex for the first time, or “losing your virginity,” as being this monumental thing, but it’s not always clear what “first time” even means. Does having oral sex “count” as your first time? Does mutual masturbation? What you consider your first time is up to you, and it’s totally valid to write off a disappointing experience as a practice run if you want. (For more, check out our info page on Virginity!)
Practically nobody can have sex as good as its portrayed to be in books, on screen, or in pornography, especially if the people involved are inexperienced. That’s like expecting to win a marathon when you’ve never gone for a run. That’s not to say that you should have low expectations for sex – it can be awesome – but the adjectives “earth-shattering” and “mind-blowing” tend to only be applied to first times in Twilight. (But hey, if your first time was either of those things, though, all the power to you!) If your first time was so-so/bad, that’s okay! You haven’t let anyone down, including your partner, and if they care about you, they won’t make you feel like you have.
A bad first time is just a bad first time. You haven’t missed out on anything and you haven’t done anything wrong. However awkward it might have been, you will have many other chances to have sex if you want to. There’s nothing inherently special about your first time that you can’t experience on your second, tenth, or fortieth encounter! The more my partner and I experimented, the better we got, and I remember the fantastic sex we had way more than I do our first try. With practice comes improvement, more pleasure, and more fun.
Sometimes the first time is bad, and you just don’t want to ever try again. That’s okay! Sex isn’t for everyone, and learning that about yourself can be a good thing. After reflecting on sex with my partner, the sexual attraction I felt to others, and the relationship I had with sex in general, I realized that I was gray-asexual. Check out the teenhealthsource.com blog to learn more about what this means in Intro to Asexuality.
Disappointing first times don’t usually happen in Young Adult novels, or movies, or songs. Yet, even if your story doesn’t match the one society tells, your first time is just the beginning: what the rest of your sex life looks like (or if it exists!) is your choice.
Check out these Teen Health Source pages related to Sexual Pleasure:
We do want to acknowledge that First Times can also be bad for reasons other than awkwardness or inexperience, whether that’s peer pressure, intoxication, sexual assault, or other consent violations. Please see the resources below for information on consent:
If you have questions about this topic, feel free to contact one of our peer educators. [Link]
Last Updated: February 2022
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